aNewDomain/SKEWEDNews — It’s been a big month around here at aNewDomain. We did some extensive coverage of Ted Rall, the Los Angeles Times and how the LAPD seems to have gotten it all so wrong. Of course, there are a few stories that we won’t cover. They’re just too … well, you’ll see. Here are the top ten rejected stories for aNewDomain this month:
1. Caitlyn Jenner Demands to Be Molested by Bill Cosby
The decathlon winner says no drugs are necessary. Just dinner.
2. Bernie Sanders Vows to Unionize Homeless
Candidate says homeless should demand a living wage — or strike.
3. The New York Times Hires Current Press Secretary to Save Time
As a result, NYT is expected to save thousands on stenographers.
4. Netanyahu Demands US Aid for His World of Warcraft Character
Netanyahu says that abandoning his 43rd level Elven Ranger is almost as evil as anti-Semitism.
5. German Repo Men Take Parthenon
Pieces to be reassembled into an oversized statue of Angela Merkel.
6. Jimmy Fallon Tragically Recovers to Continue to Host The Tonight Show
Doctors sadly report that there’s nothing stopping him from hosting for decades.
7. Officer Saves Choking Motorist Despite His Best Attempts to Beat Her
Food blocking a motorist’s airway was dislodged during the savage beating.
8. Anonymous Threatens to Hack CVS to Eliminate Ridiculous Coupons
The hacktivist group vows to eliminate the giant receipts on behalf of “the people.”
9. Lindsey Graham’s Bathhouse Press Conference Assures Voters He’s Not Gay
Incredibly not-gay Senator holds his fabulous press conference.
10. Donald Trump: I Never Said Megyn Kelly Was on Her Period, Period.
Blood can come from plenty of places. Get your mind out of the gutter.
(Editor’s Note: Trump tows the line between reality and a skewed world so well that this headline is entirely accurate. Go figure.)