Frank Visa: I Knew It! Cellphones Linked to Cancer

Written by Frank Visa

“If you don’t like rats, I’ve found a fantastic way to give them cancer,” said the lead researcher in a study that links cell phones to cancer.

2 nokia phonesaNewDomain — A multi-year, peer-reviewed study found incidences of two types of cancer in male rats that were exposed to radio frequencies commonly emitted by cellphones.

“It’s true.” said Judd Roberts, lead scientist in the study. “If you don’t like rats, I’ve found a fantastic way to give them cancer.”

The study was conducted in an underground lab with 21 specially designed radio-frequency chambers to house the rats. More than 2,500 rats were exposed to radio-frequency energy in various intervals over two years.

“Our initial obstacle was first making the tiny workable iPhones,” said Roberts. “Once we mastered that, the rats picked it up with no problems.”

At once the rats with phones were doing better with the female rats and were able to get more done than the control group. Being so close to the tower gave them incredible reception and they were running multiple apps, too.

“Then a year into the experiment we noticed the rats were not using the iPhones as much, so we had to come out with a tiny iPhone 2,” said Roberts.

Jay Middleton, a spokesman for Verizon who wished to remain anonymous (but screw it) was blunt.

“Look we’re all going die some point, said Middleton. Don’t you want to use mobile phones until then?  I’m old enough to remember how bad land lines used to be.  Besides maybe being underground for two years causes cancer. Did you ask them that?”


For aNewDomain, I’m Frank Visa.