aNewDomain – Everybody knows the 2016 election was crooked.
An avalanche of news over the last few days at last gave some of you hope that logic has finally prevailed. But no.
Nothing will come of new CIA revelations that Russia worked clandestinely to put Donald Trump in office.
Why? The reasons are positively reptilian.
A Reptilian tale
If you thought theories around the recent presidential election just being a smokescreen for an American coup d’etat by a power hungry elite craving even more power were explosive, consider a more extreme example.
Ever heard of a conspiracy theory about the Reptilians?
Also known as Reptoids, Saurians or Draconians, these reptilian aliens control the Earth by hiding as humans, according to the theory.
They gain political power by manipulating human societies. As the thinking goes, most if not all the world’s leaders, from Queen Elizabeth II to Pres. George W. Bush, are probably all Reptilians.
So anyway, let’s assume the Reptilian theory is correct for a moment.
If you also assume the various characters on Team Trump are Draconians — and you must, if you subscribe to the Reptilian idea — it’s easy to imagine what can happen next.
Melania Trump might appear at some elite fête, only to suffer a human costume malfunction.
Then everyone can see for themselves her alluring green skin and sultry forked tongue, which now would totally explain her weird-looking eyes.
So, does the Reptilian power structure get exposed at the same time, saving humans and the world?
You would think.
But at first, it wouldn’t matter at all that more than 150 people witnessed the mean green Melania wardrobe malfunction, or that most of them also saw the Secret Service whisking Trump away, or that Trump was seen discretely munching the head of a small gray mouse near the hors d’oeuvres table when it happened.
Trump would just immediately tweet that news photos of green Melania are “fake news.” Infowars, and then Breitbart and Sean Hannity, maybe, would follow with stories about the CNN cameraman setting the whole thing up with green filters, or that Reptilians are real, but it’s liberals who are the Reptilians.
We’ve all seen the faked photo of the backpacker at the top of the World Trade Center with a jet about to run into the building flying below him, right? Cameras lie.
Trump surrogates would point this out on TV, before Kelly Anne Conway cheerfully threatened prosecution of anyone who insisted on repeating such lizard-y lies.
If that didn’t work — and it might not initially — FBI director Comey would simply announce that the FBI never once suspected that Trump is a reptile from the Draconian Constellation.
Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker Paul Ryan would hold a joint press conference on the issue.
McConnell would call such accusations preposterous and shameful, adding that “liberal lizard conspiracy theorists” are not our friends. As he spoke, House Speaker Paul Ryan would just sit there, silently, whistling to himself.
From Ann Coulter to Bill O’Reilly, from Rush Limbaugh to Pat Robertson, the Conservative Propatainment Bureau will issue forth a bevy of distracting pronouncements.
They’d issue strange and distracting tweets blaming the green Melania incident on everything from gays to ISIS to undocumented aliens to liberal senators to former presidential candidate Fred Harris. The “lamestream” media would just stop mentioning it.
But facts are stubborn things, as Reid pointed out this week about Russia’s hack on Democratic National Committee computers.
In a few months, more photos and stories would slip out that pointed to Trump’s reptilian nature. A grainy photo of green Pres. Trump would show up on Kos and Mother Jones would run another one, showing Trump surreptitiously sucking, this time, on a cricket.
Those of us who knew the Reptilian truth would begin to hold out hope at this point, just as you might now be regarding the CIA Russia hacking evidence, but that wouldn’t last long.
It would just get buried in the next news cycle.
If it wasn’t, FBI director Comey would issue a statement that it is investigating whether there is anything to the rumor that new Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is running a crime ring of lizard conspiracy theorists, aptly named the Draconian Constellation, out of the non-existent attic of a New York City taco spot. Alex Jones and @prisonplanet would create some video that proved it, too.
Then McConnell and Ryan would hold another joint press conference, where McConnell would loudly call all lizardish ideas preposterous as Ryan silently looked on.
And Conservative Post will start a fake news meme on Facebook contending that Reptilians are real, and that all of them look like human Africans and African-Americans when they are trying to appear as humans. One million likes on Facebook and counting.
Tragically, a mob of New Jersey townies chanting the new catchphrase “make humans great again” will pull a Liberian cab driver out of his vehicle in Queens and beat him to death.
Facebook chief Marc Zuckerberg would tell him that a million likes on the fake news story on the Conservative Post page had nothing to do with the shooting.
The violence would ramp up and more evidence of Trumpish reptilianism drips out, which Kurt Eichenwald will expose in a wonderfully written piece in Newsweek.
But most Americans won’t believe it.
Still, there’s enough buzz around the Newsweek piece to make the Trump camp will go into seclusion for a few days.
Trump will emerge looking restful and calm, and release a grainy video on Snapchat saying that, okay, yes, he is an advanced extraterrestrial. He says his distinguished ancestry traces directly to the very best reptiles from the Draco Constellation. He will show his legitimate US birth certificate.
“But I am an American first,” he will say. “And last time I checked, nothing in the US Constitution requires that the president be a human.
Maybe he will even relate his family’s immigrant story. He might reveal a spiffy alien technology. Probably not, though.
FBI director Comey will at this point admit that the FBI became aware of Trump’s alien nature some 10 years ago but decided that he wasn’t a threat to the American people.
On Twitter, the Democratic Coalition’s Scott Dworkin will threaten to “file a complaint of treason” against Trump and his reptilian cronies, but it never happens. That leads Snopes to debunk the whole thing.
McConnell and Ryan will hold a third press conference on the matter. In it, McConnell will strike a peppy tune, complimenting Trump on his brave and bracing honesty, saying that his is just the sort of optimistic spirit that makes American so great, Reptilian or no.
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan will sit there saying nothing, thoughtfully chewing on a large green grasshopper and watching the reporters warily. When asked later, he will say he himself is no Reptilian, but he felt eating the creature would be a great show of solidarity.
At last, the Conservative Propatainment Bureau will slam into gear.
In one of the most memorable moments of the news cycle, Bill O’Reilly will humiliate law professor and Constitutional scholar Erwin Cherminsky on air, during a live interview around whether the president needs to be human.
“We long ago established they don’t need to be humane,” O’Reilly will say at the end of the broadcast, meaningfully.
Ann Coulter will eviscerate Sen. Kamala Harris in a series of tweets that say she, not Melania, is the real snake. “There are lizards, and then there are snakes!” she will blast.
Pat Robertson will recite Job 30:29 in a righteous way, bellowing “I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.” The video goes viral on YouTube thanks to @PrisonPlanet.
Finally, Rush Limbaugh will slam “liberals who only like aliens when they’re poor,” ending with “And who’s the bigot now?”
In the end, nothing will happen.
Nothing would or could happen to Trump even if everyone of us everywhere knew full well that he was a green-skinned reptile from the Draconian constellation with the greatest malintent you can possibly imagine.
And nothing will happen to him now that the CIA seems to have evidence that Russia intervened in the election to ensure his win, or even if it comes out that Trump and Russian president Vladimir Putin were working on Slack and Skype every day of the campaign to ensure a smooth transition.
You know it. I know it.
As the late, great Leonard Cohen said — and he said it best — everybody knows.
For aNewDomain, I’m Tom Ewing.
If you want to know more about “Reptilian Theory,” see below:
A similar theme was explored in John Carpenter’s 1988 sci-fi thriller “They Live.”
Here’s something we can actually hope for, though. A remake.
Credits: Cover image: Tom Ewing for aNewDomain, All Rights Reserved; Elvert Barnes from Baltimore, Maryland, USA – IMG_5735, CC BY-SA 2.0; images of green Melania Trump and green Donald Trump, by Tom Ewing for aNewDomain, All Rights Reserved; Queen Elizabeth as reptilian: YourNewsWire, All Rights Reserved.