Congratulations, Gay People! What to Expect Now

congratulations gay people!
Written by Ted Rall

Congratulations, gay people. The Supreme Court did a great thing today, says Ted Rall. But now everything’s going to change. Here’s what you can expect next.

ted-rall-on-rachel-dolezalaNewDomain — Congratulations, gay Americans! You can get married now!

If you and your partner have a significant difference between your income, you’ll save a little bit of money on your taxes. You’ll be able to visit each other in the hospital easily if one of you happens to be dying. Today’s decision by the United States Supreme Court is very, very exciting, a long time in coming and absolutely the right decision. It’s something that every patriotic American ought to be happy about.

By the way, you guys are totally boring now.

Today’s 5 to 4 decision marks the end of gay people as dangerous or interesting. Now LGBTQA people are just as dull and un-noteworthy as any random straight married Midwestern middle-class television-watching, ranch-home-living-in schlub.

congratulations gay people gay marriage Supreme Court Ted Rall But really, that’s great. Congratulations!

No more late nights at the bathhouse scoring anonymous sex, though. From now on, a late night in an IKEA piece of furniture will have to be just as good.

Hey, and remember that time you and your same-sex partner went out to the bar and picked up a cutie for the two of you to share in a threesome?

Yeah, me neither. Because now you’re married!

And once married, you guys won’t have sex with each other, much less with anyone else.

Back in the 1970s, you guys practically ran the counterculture. You were so cool. Now, counterculture will essentially be just a marketing term you use to describe shopping for, you know, a brand new kitchen counter. How exciting!

Well, look, there’s nothing wrong with being boring. So what if you won’t be a trendsetter anymore. And who cares, really, if the media pays zero attention to you these days. Thanks to the Supreme Court gay marriage decision, you now get to be just like the rest of us: bland, typical and uninteresting. And, like the rest of us married people, you’ll be having very little sex or at least not good sex.

But hey, this is what you wanted, right! To be accepted!

So now you can join the army and kill brown people and lie awake at night wondering why you chose the life you chose.


For aNewDomain, I’m Ted Rall.       

Cover image: Gay couples, a collection, via The Daily Mail

Image one: Gay couples, a collection, via The Daily Mail