SKEWEDNews: Unemployment Problem Solved. You’re Welcome.

My recommendations have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with anything espoused, believed or thought by Paul Krugman.

aNewDomain/SkewedNews — It’s difficult to open the paper or a web browser these days without finding some dreadful news about America’s unemployment rate. We continually hear about what Big Government could or should be doing about unemployment.

My take: The government has no idea what to do about it. The problem of “unemployment” is so easily solved that if the government had the wisdom and know-how to do such a thing it would have been solved already.

But it’s not solved.

So, it’s up to my lonesome self, crying in the wilderness, to solve the problem of unemployment in America.

I don’t have the power to make the following laws and rules and policy changes that I’m about to espouse. But if Congress (and you) listen to me, I could virtually end unemployment. In less than a year.

My thoughts on solving unemployment have been guided by real economists. That means my recommendations have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with anything espoused, believed or thought by Paul Krugman.

So, the sole thing the government could do to solve the unemployment problem once and for all would be to, pardon my millennial French, STFU and heed an armchair economist — like me.

I recommend a three-pronged solution to the unemployment problem.

First: Dig a Trench

The first prong is a scenario in which the government contracts a company to dig a trench.

unemployment dig a trenchThis trench shall be 5-feet wide and 5-feet deep (it can’t be 6-by-6 because people would believe that it’s some mass grave). The length is the key — it shall extend from Manhattan to Miami.

The part of this that gets plenty of people employed is that they’re going to dig the trench using teaspoons and only teaspoons.

What’s the trench for? Who knows. Who cares. It’s work. Hard work.

Any 18-year-old or above capable of extensive crouching, squatting, digging (with a teaspoon), bending over, and possessing at least one hand is eligible for the job. The people who sign on get paid $10 per hour.

There are no benefits other than nights, weekends and government holidays off. The hours are 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., Monday through Friday.

It’s technically harder to flip burgers the right way than it is to do this job, so — before you start — don’t bitch about the compensation. The idea here is to create jobs for people.

If that trench doesn’t employ enough people for a long enough period, don’t worry, there’s always another trench to dig. Seattle to San Diego, Boseman to Austin, you name it. This country is large.

Let’s say all the trenches are dug, but we still have an unemployment problem. Then we just hire the same people to fill them back in, using teaspoons. Jobs, people. Jobs.

Second: Transform the Farm

If the trench digging isn’t enough, fear not. There’s more we can do.

unemployment solved 2We’ll pass a new law dictating that, with the exception of one pickup truck per 10 acres, all machinery on all professional farms of all sizes in the United States is, henceforth, banned. (If a farm is so small that it operates on less than 10 acres it gets the use of one pickup truck. Duh.)

Farms can utilize as many computers as they want. Computers won’t be regarded as “machinery.”

But we’re outlawing the use of all mechanized harvesters, harrows, cultivators, tractors, combines, irrigation units, rototillers, spaders, log splitters, potato sorters, conveyor belts, precision drills, animal feeders, lawn mowers, refrigerators, trikes, four-wheelers, and … you get the gist.

Just think of the employment explosion once this law is passed!

First, farmers will need to hire who knows how many additional people to make up for the lost machinery. Additionally, state and local governments will need to hire on-site inspectors, guards for the inspectors, machinery destroyers and machine parts and scraps recyclers.

Yes, this will influence the food supply and farmers lives. But exactly how is not the point of this article. The point is that once farm machines are gone, a nearly inestimable (but very large) number of people will suddenly find work.

Third: You Need a Personal Assistant, Right?

If the first and second employment measures don’t completely solve the American unemployment problem, don’t worry. The third prong is excellent, and it “soaks the rich,” which might make it the most popular prong!

unemployment solved 3It’s the “personal assistant solution.” What is this personal assistant solution? Simplicity itself.

A new law will be passed. This law will state that anyone making at least $70,000 per year and/or who has a personal net worth of at least $700,000 is compelled to hire at least one person for no less than $26,000 per year (no benefits necessary) under the title of “personal assistant.”

You determine your personal assistant hiring by calculating your income from the previous year. In the event that, at the end of this year, your total income was less than $70,000 (whereas before it was equal to or more than that), you can opt to fire your personal assistant. You’ll have to prove you made less, but once that’s approved, fire the mofo, if you want.

Unless you still have a net worth of at least $700,000, that is, in which case you keep the assistant unless and until you divest yourself of enough net worth.

What does your “personal assistant” do for you? Well, whatever you ask. No illegal drug dealing or gambling — nothing egregiously illegal or immoral. Sexual favors is an option, but only if the assistant offers. This is the law, after all. Assistants may also do nothing at all, as long as you pay them for it.

A few restrictions will apply.

No hiring of parents, step-parents or grandparents; no aunts or uncles, no siblings, no spouse, no children, no nieces or nephews, no first or even second cousins. In effect, you must hire a stranger. You have thirty days from the day that the government determines your annual pay and/or your personal net worth to hire your personal assistant.

You also cannot fire your personal assistant unless you can (and do) hire a new one within five business days from terminating the employment of the one you don’t like.

Any violation of these requirements and rules subjects you to serving up to one year in federal prison, or a stripping of your current salary (before taxes) or net worth to the extent that you fall below the required amount. Your choice.

In Conclusion: It’s Simple.

Now you see. It’s easy to solve the unemployment problem. I just did.

Ask me about a real problem.

For aNewDomain, I’m

Images in order: Unemployment by Simon Cunningham via Flickr; Trenches by Andy Rogers via Flickr; A Pretty Morning Farm by Scott1346 via Flickr; Face Beard by Thirteen of Clubs via Flickr

About the author

Brant David

Brant David McLaughlin — aka Brant David — is a Milford, NJ-based senior writer for us here at aNewDomain. Follow him at his +BrantDavid Google+ page. Email him at Brant@aNewDomain.net.