Phallus Palace: Offbeat Comedy Club Chain to Compete with Hooters

Hooters girls group Phallus Palace
Written by Gerry Tardner

A group of investors is planning a new comedy club and restaurant chain to compete directly with Hooters. It will be called Phallus Palace, sources say …

aNewDomain — Hooters, the Atlanta-based restaurant chain famed for its chicken wings and well-endowed waitresses, announced it is opening its largest Hooters ever, at The Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. Despite Las Vegas showgirls opening the press conference with high kicks and jiggles galore, Hooters’ press team promised the new restaurant will welcome waitresses of all cup sizes. 

hooter girls phallus palace The restaurant chain has settled numerous discrimination suits over the years including the case of Sara Steinhoff, who sued over the unwanted sexual advances of management. That suit revealed that one method of “disciplining” waitresses was to force them to participate in Friday night Football Bikini contests. 

On the heels of spokesman Dick Ready’s promise that Hooters will scour the country for “the best boobies and booties in America,” a group of female investors now  has leaked news of a new chain of comedy clubs being developed to please women in much the same way Hooters has delighted many men for more than 30 years.

Phallus Palace Hooters Sources familiar with the development group involved say it will be called the Phallus Palace.  

One source inside the effort told us that the group had planned to stay low key about their plans until they are ready to announce the location for their first Phallus Palace, but the Hooters announcement prompted them to begin talking about their plans to key press.

“We believe the market is ripe to exploit penises the way Hooters has exploited breasts for years.  The viral success of “50 Shades of Gray” shows that women have an appetite for dirt and danger, and a comedy club is the perfect place for that,” another source close to the company’s investment outread effort told me. 

Hooters girls group Phallus PalaceThe drink menu will emphasize banana, cucumber and possibly even pickle drinks.  “Any fruit or vegetable that is remotely phallic may find its way into our cocktails,” she said.

Although the three sources I interviewed each told me that the group doesn’t see their comedy clubs as direct competitors of Hooters, they said that most women hate watching their husbands suck on chicken wings while ogling the Hooters girls in their tight orange t-shirts. 

The group initially planned to file the trademark papers under the name Two Penises Walk into a Bar Investment Group, a few investors felt that name suggested the club might be a low brow sort of joint rather than a sophisticated comedy club.

Batman-with textWhen I first heard a rumor about this potential “phallus” club, Oprah, Cher and Chelsea Clinton were rumored to be major investors.  The sources I spoke to would not confirm or deny those rumors, though they did said that there were “several female celebrity investors” involved and their names would become available by the end of the summer.

The Phallus Palace investors hope to open the first club in February 2016 to celebrate the births of Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem, one source told me.  

The steps required to launch a theme-oriented club have actually given the ladies an appreciation for what Hooters has accomplished. 

“We thought we could launch it with “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am” speed but we quickly learned that it’s a lot easier to get an erection out of a penis than it is to erect a club around a penis,” said one source. 

It was this latest Hooters’ expansion announcement re-invigorated the ladies.

During its press conference, Hooters of America Senior V.P., Mark Whittle said:

“Theres a go big or go homementality when youre in Vegas, and Hooters is ready to go bigwith our largest location in the world inside Palms Casino Resort.” 

When I contacted Whittle about the Phallus Palace concept, he said that it was a lot easier to get mileage out of 38 or 40 inches than six or eight.  He was skeptical about whether women would want to watch a naked guy tell jokes.

The sources told me he doesn’t get it. There won’t be naked male waiters at Phallus Palace.

“I’m not surprised he went for a graphic visual. And that isn’t our concept at all.  The Phallus Palace won’t be sexualizing men in the way Hooters sexualizes women.  We’re women and we fantasize in a different way.   We initially considered having a restaurant, but we got turned off by the thought of a waiter’s wiener dangling over coleslaw. 

“That’s not a turn-on — it’s gross.  We like to use our imagination and picture a guy’s package without everything unwrapped. Botticelli and Rafael painted women nudes because they didn’t find the male appendage that visually appealing. 

Although Cher has yet to confirm that she’s an investor, she said that the business sounds interesting and said she liked the idea of a comedy club that salutes the penis.  Off the record, she said: “Females size men up in a different way than men.  We can enjoy a romp with a well endowed man, but knowing just a little more about him can be the real turn-on.  Is he a doctor, a lawyer or a car mechanic that could really rotate my chassis?”  [Note, although Cher requested her comments be off the record, with Skewed, nothing is off the record.  My bad for not spelling that out to Cher and her people. LOL.] 

The Phallus Palace will focus on funny guys. “If they are hot, fantastic. 

“But for women, so much of sex is mental.  Before Seinfeld had a show, he probably struggled to get laid, but after? What woman didn’t want Jerry pondering the mundane in her bed?” said one source working inside the effort.

Investor A stressed that the club is going to really offer something unique.  The comics will dress like doctors or cops or firemen, a bit like a straight version of the Village People.  “And our waiters will wear really expensive SHOES. Who cares if patent leather reflects up?  Show me your Guccis. 

Some comics will look preppy or like rich kid surfers.  Others will look heroic and dress in costumes ranging from “The Arrow” to “Captain Kirk” or “Mr. Spoke.”  Men will be openly objectified in clothes that make them look wealthy or heroic,” said Investor  C, finally speaking up after a third Margarita. 

And if Palace guests want to go home with a comic or their waiter, nothing could please the owners more – as long as their employees are not harassed into going.  The group is committed to being pro-women and pro-employee.  Their goal is to foster humor not lawsuits such as those Hooters has frequently had to settle.

And the ladies plan to laugh at themselves, too.

“If a comic like Bill Maher (“What would he look like in chaps and a six gallon hat?) wants to drop in and poke fun at us, he will be welcome,” one source told aNewDomain.

Although none of the investors would say where the first club will be located, I was told to think of fruit, so we suspect Miami for its oranges, New York for its apples and Los Angeles with all kinds of fruit and comics too.

For aNewDomain, I’m Gerry Tardner.