New York Stock Exchange Resumes Business as Usual

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Written by Tony DiGerolamo

Tony DiGerolamo travels to Wall Street to meet the people who hold the world’s economy in their hands and finds out how rich douchebags fared during the recent New York Stock Exchange computer meltdown.


SkewedNews/aNewDomain, New York, NY — On Wednesday, the New York Stock Exchange ground to a halt for four hours.

It was referred to as a “computer glitch.”

Traders were nervous, at first. But spirits soared as the computers recovered.

The NYSE brokers quickly went back to the business of being heartless, money-grubbing parasites.

“That was close!”

New York Stock Exchange“Oh, shit, that was close!” said Kyle Lainly, a broker for Grunman and Smith. “My clients already hate me and then this happens. It’s just the sort of thing that would drive them into putting their money into an actual business, rather than into the digital bullshit I keep shoveling towards them. Thank Christ that four hours wasn’t long enough for those dimwits to start thinking!”

Caught in the act

“First thing I said was, ‘Oh, fuck me!'” said Jonathan Appleton, another trader who was doing a line of coke off a hooker’s bare back. “I was short-selling a ton of shit-stock against my clients and they started to call me! That would’ve cocked-up my weekend trip to Monaco if it hadn’t stopped. Like I need my mistress and my wife on my case!”

New York Stock ExchangeEveryone from scumbag hedge fund managers to bankers involved in blatant Ponzi schemes breathed sighs of relief as the market returned to normal.

New York Stock Exchange returns to normalcy

The mood turned even lighter when one of the brokers brought a homeless man in from the street and began burning hundred dollar bills in front of him.

Many of the traders laughed heartily as the penniless man cried and then was dragged out by security guards to be beaten in an alley nearby.

“Things aren’t like they used to be,” added Carl Finkelton III, of Finkelton Investments. “There used to be security in the Exchange. We owned the police in those days. We still do, they’re just incompetent now.”

Even Wall Street traders must make adjustments

New York Stock Exchange glitchCarl, who was in the middle of one of his famous racist jokes during the crisis, had to cut it short to scream at his IT guys for not warning him about the NYSE glitch. Then he whispered to me, “There was no way they could’ve known, of course, but I need an excuse to cut some staff. I’m buying my girlfriend another yacht.”

For SkewedNews at aNewDomain, I’m Tony DiGerolamo.

Images in order: Director Petraeus Rings Bell at New York Stock Exchange via Wikimedia Commons; Wall Street: Half Past Two O’Clock, October 13, 1857 by Cafferty, James A. Rosenberg, Charles G. via Wikimedia Commonsy; Glitch Art byRosa Menkman via Wikimedia Commons.