Apple Car? Here’s What To Expect From the iCar [exclusive]

aNewDomain — The Wall Street Journal reports that Apple is planning an electric car and has 1,000 people on the project. The Apple Car — or iCar — will look like a small, boxy SUV, sources say. What else? To quell your curiosity, we did a deep dive. Here’s what to expect from the iCar.

White Tires

Unlike every other car in the world that has black tires, the Apple Car will have white tires, giving the car instant brand recognition. An aftermarket will spring up offering white tires for any car, followed closely by colored tires, sparkly tires, and tires encrusted with Swarovski crystals. –Alfred Poor

Smooth Lines and the New Apple iPad Ozone

Drawbacks: It will suck on battery life and only be able to go five miles without a recharge.  Apple will explain that this is intentional to encourage people to buy local. And overheating will be an issue, but Apple will explain that all electric cars run hot.  There will be no micro-USB connectors, and when someone decides to use a USB port to run an Android phone, the car will speak: “Intruder alert: alien presence detected.”  And by then, Androids will be able to speak, so the phone will say: “Hey, Steve, can’t we all get along?” Yes, the car will be named Steve – however, there will be plans for colored versions named Lisa. –Terry Gardner

The Apple Car Protection Plan

If you accidentally crash it or drop it into the East River, the Genius Bar has the authority to give you a refurb – even if it’s out of warranty. As for protecting your Apple Car, Apple will offer a full line of beautifully crafted leather car bras and exterior masks. Some will argue, “why cover such a beautiful art” but these covers will be very popular. Mophie’s Car Bra will actually increase battery life up to 120 percent! — Buzz Garwood

Future Models Will Go Faster With Each Generation

Proprietary charging won’t work with Tesla. Initial model limited to 55 mph. Future models will go faster with each generation. Revolutionary I battery charges two percent faster than other batteries. Must pair with the Apple iPhone in order to start. Includes CarCloud storage, which will be buggy and immediately hacked. Android users will claim Google did it first. Recode loves it. On release, Business Insider predicts the death of General Motors. – Mike Olsen

Apple Genius iTow Roadside Assistance

The Apple iTow Truck will be only  kind of tow truck that can attach to the Apple car and return it to the Apple Genius Bar at any Apple Store Garage.

There you can also shop for repairs, which won’t be called repairs but classified as either “unscheduled upgrades” or “end user neglect.”

At left, find an artist’s rendering of an Apple Genius Roadside Assistance iTow truck on patrol on a Los Angeles freeway during rush hour, accompanied by Apple iTow drone.  Not pictured: Apple iTow’s signature heavy attachment iMagnet. –Tom Ewing

Built-in Lifestyle and Diet Sensors

The iCar shall also come with special interior sensors that can tell whether anyone has brought any red or white meat, fowl, or poultry into the car. If the iCar Diet and Lifestyle AI senses the presence of such foodstuffs, the following happens:

Requires an Apple iPhone To Start

The Apple Car, a revolutionary new car technology that is accessible from your living room, is a hybrid electric solar self-driven car that requires an Apple iPhone to start up.  It requires a special Apple Joystick application to be installed on the iPhone, to drive it around.  To make that happen, here’s what the Apple Car would have inside: a microprocessor driven motor for steering, single power relay, a transformer to scale up or down voltages, engine diagnostics, a high- powered battery operated generator, battery bank in the boot, an eliminator to power the batteries through solar. — Maninder Singh Kumar

I’m Gina Smith and this is aNewDomain.

Cover art: by D J Shin (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 or GFDL], via Wikimedia Commons

Artist’s rendering of an Apple Genius Roadside Assistance iTow truck on patrol on a Los Angeles freeway during rush hour, accompanied by Apple iTow drone. Not pictured: Apple iTow’s signature heavy attachment iMagnet. Credits: byJ3D3 (Own work) [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons

Credit: by Downtowngal (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 or GFDL], via Wikimedia Commons

Credit: by Apple Inc. [GFDL or CC BY-SA 4.0-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Credit: “NASA M2-F1” by NASAOriginal uploader was en:User:Triddle at en.Wikipedia. – NASA (http://nix.larc.nasa.gov/info;jsessionid=1h9uqoja1tmt7?id=EC63-229&orgid=7)Moved from english wikipedia en:Image:NASA M2-F1.jpg. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons.