“I just took back my electric cheese grater,” said Russel Tibell, 32, of Alexandria, VA. “It had been in the package for months, never used. When was I going to use this? What was I thinking?”
As if waking up from a daze, patrons of the Tinton Falls Outlet were standing in return lines to get refunded for shit they say they never should’ve bought in the first place.
“You see this iPhone 6?” said Greg Matthews, 27, of Colt’s Neck, New Jersey. “It’s been in the box for weeks. My old phone works fine. I’m too lazy to switch it over. I’m an idiot for standing in line and getting tricked into buying this crap.”
“What kind of backwoods country moron buys this stuff?” muttered Lori Danes, 45, of Wall Township. “Hickory Farms? Kindle 4? What am I? The biggest dumbf**k in the trailer park?”
“Can you believe all this fucking useless shit I bought!” complained Audrey Napalan, 33, of Woodlawn, VA, in line at a pet store. “$314 for dog toys. I must’ve been out of my God damned mind! God, we’re all profane.”
Economists say the recent surge in consumer growth is due to increases in the job market over the summer. This trend continues to place upward growth on consumer spending as the newly employed celebrate with unbelievably pointless and stupid purchases. Forecasters predict that most consumers are too lazy to return this stuff in time, and that upwards of 37% of it has no use.
“I’m outraged that store owners let us do this,” said Jennifer Ian, of the New Jersey Consumer Rights Group. “Last year I purchased a rack to hold watches, but I only own one! You’d think a clerk would’ve stopped me, but no. Something has to be done.”
Ian, along with local politicians, is pushing a bill through the New Jersey State Legislature called “The Consumer Overspend Act.” It would require retailers to ask consumers if what they are buying is just more useless bullshit. The supporters hope that this will curb pointless purchases at the point of sale.