Commentary News Skewed

Etan Patz Mistrial, Obama’s TPP: Skewed News You Missed Friday

ted rall etan patz mistrial skewed news
Ted Rall
Written by Ted Rall

Maybe you missed the news around the Etan Patz trial and Obama’s TPP Friday. Ted Rall rounds up all the outrageous news you were too busy to catch Friday. And he’s pissed. It’s Skewed News Friday. Welcome.

aNewDomain — It’s time for Skewed News, twisted takes on the stuff you missed on Friday. This week, I got outraged about Obama’s bogus Trans Pacific Partnership, the fate of ousted ESPN talking sports head Bill Simmons and the bullshit mistrial a New York judge declared in the case against the accused murderer who killed Elan Patz. When you read these skewed news stories you’ll be pissed, too. Anyway, here goes.

obama TPP skewed news ted rallSocialist Prez Rages on Liberals

Pres. Barack Obama, who inexplicably chose the HQ of mega-Third-World-job-exporting sweatshop scumbags Nike in Portland, Oregon to make the case that workers should just love love love his new transpacific version of NAFTA, went off against labor unions, liberals, environmentalists – in other words, the people who voted for him – wondering why his allies don’t just shut the fuck up.

“There have been a bunch of critics about trade deals generally and the Trans-Pacific Partnership,” Obama told the small fraction of Nike workers who still live and work in the United States. And what’s interesting is typically they’re my friends coming from my party. And they’re my fellow travelers on minimum wage and on job training and on clean energy and on every progressive issue, they’re right there with me. And then on this, they’re like whupping on me.”

Editor’s Note: according to Wikipedia, Obama attended several relatively prestigious institutes of higher learning, including Columbia University and Harvard Law School.

obama tpp skewed news nike ted rall skewed newsNike was a risky choice for Mr. Obama to make his case for trade. For years, the multibillion-dollar company has been cited as a case study by opponents of trade liberalization for its reliance on low-wage workers in Asia,” noted The New York Times. “But Mr. Obama hoped that the company’s announcement would help him argue that a new trade agreement could foster more manufacturing jobs at home, rather than shipping more jobs overseas.”

Here is the “announcement” that Obama is presenting as a case for the TPP:

If TPP passes, the shoe company “promises,” it will “create up to 10,000 manufacturing and engineering jobs” in the United States.

This is, of course, a standard retail trick. You know the one: the big sign outside the store reads: “Everything up to 50% off!” Which means that just about everything in the store is still regular price. There’s a few shitty items, like, 20% off. And one old sock for 50% off. “Up to” is total unadulterated bullshit.

skewed news bill simmons espn ted rallRich Guy Gets Fired for Wanting Even More Money from Even Richer Guys

ESPN has decided to terminate the contract of sports personality Bill Simmons (no known relationship to the legendary Richard Simmons). Simmons reportedly “earns” – air quotes required here – $5 million a year talking about sports.

Simmons, who by all accounts has been very successful both on the air and online, wanted to renew his contract but also wanted a raise. Some industry insiders were puzzled that the network voluntarily parted ways with an employee who put so much money into their pockets, but they forgot the fact that, even when you earn millions of dollars a year, the boss man always wants you to know your place. Which means, even if you deserve it, you don’t get a raise.

In other news, American media outlets apparently believe that ordinary American workers, who make in the mid-five figures, give two shits about contract negotiations between rich assholes and richer more-assholes.

cop laid to restCop Laid to Rest

NYPD officer Brian Moore’s funeral was today on Long Island. He was shot to death, but since he was a cop, and armed, and not a black guy, it wasn’t a cop that did it.

Fucktard Juror Fucks up Justice for Cute Dead Little Milk Carton Kid

skewed news etan patz pedro fernandez mistrialAfter three weeks of frustrated deliberations in which 11 out of 12 New York City jurors agreed to convict the accused murderer of Etan Patz, a judge gave into the pigheaded bullshit of the one single douchebag who couldn’t grow a pair, even though it’s New York and they don’t execute anyone anyway, and declared a mistrial.

Patz was the cute dead kid who got killed the very first time that his mom let him walk to school, like something out of a real-life horror movie. The case symbolized the terror of New York City in the 1970s, and he was one of the first missing children to have his face appear on a milk carton.

No one has ever explained why dairy products were chosen for this purpose; one would think, given the chosen beverages of most child abductors and murderers, that cheap beer and wine would have been more effective.

“How many times does a man have to confess before you believe him and it’s not a hallucination?” Etan’s dad asked. Which makes sense, except for the fact that people confess to stuff that they didn’t do all the time, and the dude was batshit crazy, and you just know the cops roughed him up a bit.

It’s a fairly safe bet that the holdout won’t be hanging out with the other jurors tonight.

For aNewDomain’s Skewed News, I’m Ted Rall.

Cover image: New York Post, All Rights Reserved.

About the author

Ted Rall

Ted Rall

Based in New York, Ted Rall is aNewDomain's chief commentator and a nationally syndicated editorial cartoonist. A Pulitzer nominee, Rall's latest book is the NYT bestselling book, Trump: A Graphic Biography.
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