AND News — In an exclusive to aNewDomain, we have obtained two of the transcripts of audio clandestinely recorded via former Pres. Barack Obama’s two-month wiretapping and microwave operations project against U.S. Pres. Donald Trump. The audio, from Jan. 20 to Feb. 20, 2017, highlights the complex and, sometimes, delicate nature of Trump’s inside dealings with various personnel.
Read them, in full and unedited, below.
Johnston: Good morning, Mr. President. I’m scheduled to deliver your first morning briefing if you’re ready.
Trump: (Unintelligible grunting, plates scraping)
Johnston: The Marine battalion has deployed to Syria. Our first reports indicate that they have hit all their targets on the first rounds and the IS troops are retreating if not throwing down the guns and surrendering.
Trump: Excellent, excellent. Now why couldn’t that pussy Obama have done that, huh? Lame. Worst president ever.
Johnston: Yes, sir. Absolutely. I think Congress might have said they didn’t want US troops in Syria, but you’re absolutely right, Mr. President.
Trump: (Nodding, looking at the close caption on his CNN screen). Next.
Johnston: More governors have responded favorably to your executive order banning refugees. I believe we’re up to 46 governors now.
Trump: Damn right. How many of those governors in the survey won’t admit it publicly?
Johnston: I believe 32, sir. But I’m not certain.
Trump: Okay. Check that out, okay?
Johnston: Yes, sir.
Trump: You know Mike Tyson is a good friend of mine. Do you know him?
Johnston: Not personally, sir.
Trump: You a boxer? Go a couple rounds with a speed bag?
Johnston: No, sir. I was on crew.
Johnston: Rowing, sir.
Trump: Hmm. So, you can swim, okay? Solved that buoyancy problem?
Johnston: I do alright, sir.
Trump: Hmm. Okay. I’ll introduce you to Tyson. You two will hit it off. You know that rape conviction was just despicable. Idiot judges. Next!
Johnston: The CIA tells us it has determined the source of the VX nerve agent that killed Kim Jong Nam. Its report shows a Turkish intermediary obtained the chemical from a Russian operative, who then provided it to a North Korean agent located in New Delhi. No one is yet completely sure yet how it got from New Delhi to Kuala Lumpur.
Trump: Fake news. They’re wrong. The drug came from Canberra. So, are you a house man?
Johnston: Do you mean Morehouse, sir?
Trump: Yeah. Or Tuskegee?
Johnston: No, sir. I graduated from Brown.
Trump: Not bad. I went to Penn.
Johnston: Oh, I so wish I could have gone to Penn. What a great school.
Johnston: The Berlin hostage event continues. The Russian and Delta Force troops have managed to infiltrate the third and fourth floors of the Norwegian embassy. The situation commander expects that the team will go 64-40 later today. Reports still indicate that none of the hostages have been harmed. US Military-run medical facilities have been established at Tempelhof to treat the wounded.
Trump: Is Merkel still crying?
Johnston: Yes, sir. I mean, yes. That’s what they tell me.
Trump: Imagine that. The Germans. And what krauts! Can’t even protect their own people and a foreign embassy! And only the Russians and Americans have enough balls to step in and do something. Isn’t that right? That’s right, I mean. Isn’t it?
Johnston: Yes, sir.
Trump: When this is all done, I want all the Russians and Delta Force guys to receive Medals of Honor. Okay?
Johnston: Yes, sir. I’ll make a note of it.
Trump: And the press really is still agreeing to keep this quiet? Come on.
Johnston: Yes, sir.
Trump: Even CNN? CNN?
Johnston: Yes, sir.
Trump: Who knew? They have a conscience. Oh, so is my call with Merkel still on?
Johnston: Yes, sir. I believe it’s right after this briefing.
Trump: That dumpy hausfrau cried like a baby yesterday. I’ll bet she’ll cry again today.
Johnston: I’d almost count on it, sir.
Trump: Hausfrau. That’s German, you know. My granddad was a German. Great people. Mostly. Love the beer. Women just aren’t cut out for this business, are they? You people know that.
Johnston: Yes, sir, Harriet Tubman aside.
Trump: Great jazz singer. Well, and Oprah, but she’s a bull dyke.
Johnston: Yes, sir.
Trump: No, I know. One of her old girlfriends filled me in on all the dirt. Wow, you wouldn’t believe the stories. Nasty bitch. Anyway, so the Berlin hostage crisis is absolutely being kept out of the media, you say?
Johnston: Yes, sir. We used Protocol 2612 on all the media worldwide and so far no one has produced an unauthorized publication.
Trump: Great. That’s just great. Maybe I’ll have to lighten up on the press? Nah. No way! Ha!
Johnston: Yes, sir. Well, that’s the end of today’s briefing.
Trump: Any more information on the report that Obama made Pope Benedict resign?
Johnston: Ah, yes, let me look. Ah, found it. Yes, sir. Obama forced Pope Benedict to resign using Executive Order 1945-21, the same order President Harry S. Truman issued at the end of World War II. Instead of punishing the Vatican for its apparent Nazi compliance, the US forced the Vatican to give the US president blackball rights over any pope.
Trump: And why did that scumbag Obama – bad dude – very bad dude – invoke this order?
Johnston: Pope Benedict was about to issue an encyclical denouncing the US for gay marriage, legalized abortion and inadequate defense funding, especially for the MacArthur 155-mm howitzer project.
Trump: Yeah, okay. Okay. I always figured that Pope Benedict was one of us. He was a Nazi after all.
Johnston: Well, they say he was conscripted against his will.
Trump: Oh, yeah, and I really have flat feet! Right! Ha!
Johnston: In today’s flash briefs, Breitbart has reported further evidence that an Al Gore PAC has paid off even more of the world’s climate scientists than previously thought. The story is titled, “The Mother of All Hoaxes.” And the Hollywood Reporter says that Brad Pitt is likely to lose custody of the Pitt-Jolie kids, and Beyoncé was rushed to her doctor yesterday due to pregnancy complications, but she went home later in the day and is still believed to be pregnant.
Trump: Great. Super roundup. Thanks, kid. What’s you name again?
Johnston: Derrick Johnston, sir.
Trump: South Carolina?
Johnston: No, sir. Detroit.
Trump: Well, okay. But South Carolina between Africa and Detroit?
Johnston: Not to my knowledge, sir.
Trump: Ok. I used to play golf with a Roy Johnston. I know back in the old days his family had the largest plantation in South Carolina. I thought that’s where maybe you got the name.
Johnston: Oh. My family came to Detroit from Canada. My grandfather was a tailor in Benin. Johnston was easier to pronounce than Houngbédji.
Trump: Wow. Bet that’s a story. Okay, Johnston. Thanks for your briefing. But I’m a busy man.. Can’t chat all day.
Johnston: Thank you, sir.
- END of transcript one.
Joe Pierce: Yo, Johnston. My man, how’d it go?
Johnston: Mission accomplished.
Pierce: You don’t seem too happy.
Johnston: I didn’t really think my job description entailed lying to the President.
Pierce: Consider it the diet of alternative news that he needs to know. Where’s that can-do spirit, huh?
Johnston: Tell me. Just tell me … that someone is coordinating all of this?
Pierce: No duh!
Johnston: Remember orientation …
Pierce: Exactly! A Republican presidency isn’t about one dude, it’s about a team of dudes, and one of those dudes named “the president” is simply ultimate mouthpiece. In this case, if he’s fed the right news diet, then he’ll adjust the message accordingly. Have faith, brother. It’s for a very good ca …
Johnston: I guess I just feel a little bad about lying to someone the age of my grandpa …
Pierce: Some grandpa! Back to business, did Trump tell you again today about how much Dennis Rodman loves fatback and collared greens? Or about that red-headed intern from Ohio State? He told me his just waiting for Melania and the k …
Johnston: Not this time. Today he went down another track.
- background — sounds of a woman crying just outside the room
Pierce: So really you aren’t bothered by it. You just don’t like the principal!
Sarah Petersen: So Schaaaaaaaaaa … de! Hey. Wait. Does that sound like Merkel sobs to you?
Pierce: Jesus, Sarah. That old dude doesn’t know enough German to make heads or tails out of that .. drop the German! Just sob, say little things in English, with a German accent …. and … and hang up when we tell you.
Sarah: But Merkel is German! I majored in German at Bryn Mawr, you know. Why wouldn’t he believe this again?
Johnston: He’s right, Sarah. Trump won’t get any of that. He’s confused. You know.
Pierce: You’ve seen made-for-TV movies, right? Or old Hogan’s Heroes? No?
Sarah: You want me to do a Seargent Schultz?
Pierce: Yeah, none of those German characters on there actually spoke German … they just used a few German words and interspersed them with a actual English sentences. It’s like, hmm. Let’s see …
Sarah: Something like this? Auch, bitte bitte, wir admit it. You were RIGHT and I, Angela Merkel, was SO WRONG! I VANT to be alone!
Pierce: Yeah. Kinda.
Johnston: And Sarah, you’ve got to sound like you’re 62 not 26. Don’t make that laugh, you sound like you’re 12.
Sarah: Fine. Okay. How much time do I have left?.
Pierce: Steve’s going in there in about five minutes. I’d guess you have about 10 minutes tops.
Sarah: Six months more to go, right guys?
Johnston: July the fourth is only four months away.
Sarah: I can’t wait.
Johnston: I’ve been marking the days till President Pence.
Pierce: And hash tag president bannon!
Johnston: Good luck, Sarah — I mean, Angela …
- end of transcript 2
For aNewDomain, I’m Tom Ewing.
Cover montage: Tom Ewing for aNewDomain, All Rights Reserved.