File 86: Our Top 10 Rejected Stories This Month

Police jaywalking

Tony DiGerolamo slips up and reveals the Top 10 stories we did NOT publish this month!

aNewDomain/SKEWEDNews — It’s been a big month around here at aNewDomain. We unmasked David Brooks, proved Ben Carson has no clothes, and dug deep into the newly passed cyber security bill. All that popularity has writers excited and trying too hard to find a story where maybe there isn’t one. Here are the top 10 rejected stories for the month of October.

Jeb Bush Drops Out of Presidential Race to Play Draft Kings Full Timelatino jeb bush
Bush bro says he has a fool-proof system as long as he gets J.J. Watt as a defensive end.

Mall Shooter Begins Rampage Late Due to Parking Situation
“Half the stores were closed by the time I started targeting,” said deranged shooter. “Something should be done!”

Anonymous to Reveal The Names of All 1000 Anthony Jesselnik Fans
Comedian is shocked to learn he’s that popular.

Walgreens Buys Rite Aid to Form One Giant Store That Sells A Ridiculous Amount of Candy: CVS vows to become U.S. diabetes leader in 2016.

Cops Declare War on Anyone That Doesn’t Bow Down And Worship Them as Gods
“Because this is the last thing we could think of to demand from you,” says police union leader/demi-god.

Paul Ryan Drinks The Blood of The Innocent to Become House Speaker
“My reign of terror shall fill the streets with the bodies of our enemies!” proclaims Republican.

MaTed Rall, LAPD, LA Times Scandalnhunt Continues for Fugitive That Called NYPD Officer “Fat”
“He’s just so mean!” declares cop through tears.

Spoiler Alert: New Peanuts Movie Features Cancer of Major Character
“We started with the bald head and worked backwards,” said heartless producers that make children cry.

Alabama Fraternity Has No Sexual Assaults for Two Straight Months
“Many of us had exams and other projects,” said frat president. “There are only so many hours in the day.”

James Bond Hunts Down Internet Trolls in 2016 Thriller
“In this movie, we also discover Bond’s trigger word,” said douchebag studio exec barely old enough to shave.

That’s it. Really that’s it.

For a NewDomain, I’m Tony DiGerolamo.

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Tony DiGerolamo