The Case for Intelligent Design: Hairs on Top of Your Feet

Written by Ted Rall

God designed us for the best, in the best of all possible worlds. So what’s with hairy feet?

ted-rall-on-the-killing-of-osama-bin-ladenaNewDomain — “Intelligent design” is the belief that the universe is perfectly ordered, logical and optimized, thus God exists. “The Case for Intelligent Design” explores aspects of biological design that support this thesis. This week: We look at hairs on the top of your feet.

What with the part of the earth where I live moving into more-direct alignment with the sun, it’s getting warmer. This prompts me to skip normal shoes in favor of sandals when I’m running out the door in the morning.

The first or second time I wore sandals this year, I noticed an oddly painful tug on the top of my feet. With every step I took, my sandals tugged on the hairs on the top of my feet.

This was the first time, 51 years in, that I had noticed the hairs on my feet. I knew they were there. But I never paid them any mind. I let them be, and until a few weeks ago, they did me the same favor.

Anyway, this prompts the question: What is the purpose of hairs on the top of your feet?

I called my friend the evolutionary biologist, who refused to be named for this article. “Hairs on the top of your feet,” he replied after recovering from his initial surprise at my query, “protect your bare feet from sunburn when walking in the desert. Androgenic hairs, we call them in the trade.”

“Wouldn’t it have been better for God, who does everything just so, to have given us sandals if we were meant to wander the desert?”

“He gave us big brains that allowed us to design sandals.”

“Which pull on the foot hairs that we no longer need, and instead cause us pain.”

“Got me there,” he said, excusing himself in order to pursue his biological imperative to spread his seed with a 61-year-old colleague whose husband is away this week on a book tour.

Exclusively for aNewDomain, I’m Ted Rall,

Cover image: Wikimedia Commons

6 Comments

  • Our ancient ancestors had hair on their entire bodies. The question should be: Why don’t we have hair on many parts of our bodies?

    • “Why don’t we have hair on many parts of our bodies?” Because the designer designed it that way. Why do some people have more hair than others? Because the designer designed it that way. Why do some people go bald and others do not? Because the designer designed it that way. Why are some people taller than others? Because the designer designed it that way. Why do some people get cancer and others do not? Because the designer designed it that way. Why do some people have dark skin and others light skin? Because the designer designed it that way. Why does the platypus – a mammal – lay eggs and other mammals do not? Because the designer designed it that way. Why do we have an appendix? Because the designer designed it that way. Why do humans have a tail bone? Because the designer designed it that way. Why is the human eye poorly designed? Because the designer designed it that way. Why are over 99% of creatures that ever lived now extinct? Because the designer designed it that way. The “theory” of Intelligent Design can explain EVERYTHING!!!! All research can now stop.

  • The ID™ explanation is that we don’t know, which therefore proves that it is the result of Intelligent Design™, because we can’t think of any other explanation. ID™ really is the path to enlightenment. For example, imagine that you are taking a very important test and can’t dodge a question that you cannot even comprehend. This unanswerable question is obviously a message direct from the Big Diety themself(s) to you, as proven by your utter inability to comprehend WTH it is even about. The person next to you who seems to understand it is obviously an agent of Satan, as demonstrated by their apparent comprehension of the question, when God intended utter incomprehension. So you should burn them at the stake. Yes Intelligent Design™ truly is the pathway to enlightenment and progress!

  • Bro, you totally outed your horny evo-bio buddy. He’s gonna get his big-brained assandals kicked by his faithless courtesan’s brawny, bookish benedict upon his return.