Beware the Invasion of the X-rated iDevice

Written by Ted Rall

You never know if A Thing is really A Thing just from press reports. Here’s Ted Rall with analysis on what he thinks is a silly Thing, the X-rated iDevice. He can’t make this stuff up! Commentary.

aNewDomain — U.S. President Barack Obama is right when he says that we live in a very dangerous world, says our Ted Rall, adding that it’s also a pretty stupid one. How so? Consider doga (yoga with your dog.) And, if you dare, consider the X-rated iDevice  …

So this is one of those stories that purports to report about A Thing, and there’s really no way to know whether it really is A Thing and if it is, how much of A Thing it is.

Often media stories about these new developments are so over-the-top that it would be a pity not to make fun of them and make sure that everyone who hasn’t heard of it has been made aware of it in the process. This is kind of like what happened a few years back when The New York Times claimed that doga – yoga with your dog – was A Thing, but no one seemed to have ever personally seen it or witnessed it or even seen a listing for it. (Best Wikipedia line ever: “Doga has received some criticism from the yoga community.”)

x-rated-idevices-we-vibe4Well, now The New York Post is reporting that real human females are inserting electric devices into their special places so they can enjoy a secret moment at work, in the subway, wherever. Devices in this new generation of sex toys are controlled remotely, by an Apple iPhone or iPad.

And here’s the kicker: often the person at the controls isn’t the person wearing the vibrator. Devices like the We-Vibe 4 Plus, pictured at left, can be set off with the swipe of a finger on a touchpad by the wearer’s partner at a whim — and often, presumably, without warning.

The paper goes on to describe Amanda Chatel, a “36-year-old writer” who “recently went out to pick up her laundry, visit Duane Reade and grab a drink at a local bar — all while wearing a new vibrator called the We-Vibe 4 Plus. Because it can be controlled remotely by an app, her husband — back at their apartment — turned it on and off as she went about her errands.”

“It’s especially great in long-distance relationships,” We-Vibe global passion ambassador Tristan Weedmark told the Post. “If you’re in New York and your partner is in Taiwan, (the We-Vibe 4 Plus) can boost intimacy.”

There’s obviously a submission/dominance aspect to such an arrangement. “Using the app can also allow your significant other to take control — and experience the thrill of doing something naughty in public — without risking being too obvious,” the Post explains helpfully.

Personally, I hope that this is not a thing that becomes A Thing. Because the last thing that Americans need, already distracted by their mobile devices while driving trains and controlling heavy equipment, is to be experiencing unexpected orgasms.

It’s bad enough to get hit by a car because the driver’s dog jumped on the owner’s lap. Something like that happened to horror writer Stephen King. But if I’m going to wind up in a wheelchair, it sure as hell better not be because some bored househusband in Piscataway gave his spouse a buzz while she was navigating the Brooklyn Queens Expressway. This is a serious — okay, ridiculous but real — potential public safety issue. Where does this stop? Female pilots? Surgeons? If this becomes A Thing, the only place anyone will feel safe will be near my house, which gets no cell phone reception whatsoever, and the Wi-Fi is pretty much nonexistent.

Aside from the safety/distraction issue, I have some logistical and ethical concerns.

Why no Android version? Don’t people who refuse to buy into the Applesphere deserve the same right to make their girlfriends squirm during a job interview?

Where are the proper boundaries? Is in church okay? During a routine recitation of the 23rd Psalm, for example, why is that woman really crying out, “Oh God!”

Or consider the technological issue.

“To access it, both partners download the free We-Vibe 4 Plus app from the iTunes App Store and register the vibrator. When your partner asks to connect, you can send him or her a link that enables them to control the device. He or she can choose from various vibrations, such as ‘peak’ or ‘bounce.’ The U-shaped toy is just three inches long and costs $179.”

I assume that this is a Bluetooth-activated device. What if something goes technologically wrong? Lesbians could inadvertently find themselves electronically linked to heterosexual women. Or Russian hackers could simultaneously set off a MOGO (massive online group orgasm) that could impact the American economy. What if the Iranians decide to get even for the Stuxnet virus and introduce the electronic version of an STD to millions of innocent, highly-sexed American women?

Yes, President Obama is right: we live in a very dangerous world. And a very stupid one.

ted-rall-ebolaFor aNewDomain, I’m Ted Rall.

Based in New York, Ted Rall is a Pulitzer prize finalist and award-winning political commentator and nationally syndicated cartoonist. He also is senior commentator for us here at aNewDomain. Follow him @tedrall.